The Golden Bachelor Ep2: Nothing Good Starts in A Getaway Car (Especially one with electrical problems)
Yes, I'm a little behind.
Hello—bet you thought you’d never hear from me again, right?
Obviously, this post is coming to you a little later than intended. At first, that was because, while Episode 2 was once again delightful, I was booked and busy with work and weekend plans that kept delaying this *much anticipated* recap.
Following the weekend, I continued to delay my post because of the horrifying news out of Israel and continuing coverage in Gaza. I won’t sit here and recount the events and I won’t take this as an opportunity to word vomit my own emotions. I think like many people, I am trying to take in what I can from sources I trust while also stepping away when needed. Writing this post, I can only hope that diving into this blog and some pop culture nonsense for a few paragraphs gives you all a little lightness like it does for me.
So without further ado, let’s begin.
It might be challenging but let’s think back to week 2 of The Golden Bachelor. My first thought, which feels odd with this tardiness of this post (but still must be said) is this Thursday cadence is throwing me for a loop. I’m not blaming the Thursdays on my tardiness and I’m certainly not complaining! I love it and I love even more that it’s only one hour.
We start off with the ladies coming back to the house (unclear if they just went across the street to change after the first Rose Ceremony or they got to sleep after the six am dumping) and they’re getting a full tour of the mansion. Now, we’ve all seen the mansion, so I expected my level of enthusiasm at this scene to be next to nothing—I expected some minor tweaks but nothing major or costly from ABC. But when I realize they did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to upgrade this home for them….
The fact that these women, some of whom who share they’ve had MULTIPLE KNEE SURGERIES, were still having to fight over bunkbeds....if someone says they have to have bottom bunk because they have new knees, THAT’S ARGUMENT ENOUGH TO REMOVE THE BUNKBEDS. I know I’m shouting, but really…bunkbeds.
They also share the number of bathroom breaks they need in the night and concerns about the closets but I can only tackle one problem at a time and the bunkbeds are a problem.
Jesse Palmer returns and I think to myself “oh someone’s finally showing up to do their job” but alas he proves to be utterly worthless yet again. Here I was thinking he’d help the women through there first date card, but even when multiple women express confusion at what they’re supposed to do with the envelope he casually tosses on the table, he still avoids doing anything at all, simply telling them “one of you has to open it” and walks out.
No really some of these women have ZERO IDEA what they (or a loved one) signed them up for.
Queen Kathy, our comedian of the group, opens the card and it’s a solo date for Teresa! All the women seem excited so apparently we haven’t hit the third stage of being on the Bachelor, jealousy. I’d say we’ll get their eventually, but when I see Susan, aka Kris Jenner, doing Teresa’s hair for the date I’m reminded we aren’t watching the toxic Bachelor of years past—these women seem to be rooting for each other and it gives me hope they also understand karma better than the twenty-somethings and will continue being the kind angels they are.
When Gerry comes to pick Teresa up, it’s in a old fancy car (don’t ask me the name, idk and idc) and it’s light outside, but evening quickly falls as they’re driving to their destination and ABC decides it’s time to dial up the chaos for our geriatric lovers. Driving at night is bad enough for me, but driving at night for seventy-one-year-old Gerry is nearly impossible. To make matters INFINITELY WORSE, he has to drive on the highway, with the top down and…the headlights are short-circuiting????
Honestly, it’s hard to remember anything else from the episode with this chaotic experiences flashing in my rearview mirror. While Teresa’s perfectly quaffed hair tangles in the wind (sorry Susan) and semis zoom by, Gerry repeatedly comments on how he’s not a good night driver even under good circumstances and how nervous he is. Is ABC not hearing this man’s pleas??? HE IS BEGGING SOMEONE TO GET HIM OUT OF THIS SITUATION.
Teresa, who is probably wondering if her family will be able to sue if this goes south, has nothing more helpful to do than squeeze Gerry’s shoulder. He found this super comforting, but I wanted to yell at her to not distract him! This man is on the brink of killing you both, Tre, don’t start fondling!
When we finally get off the highway and make it to the date, it’s to a retro diner where Gerry and Teresa cheerily share a milkshake and talk about losing their spouses.
No really, and I’m not trying to make light of the tears, but every episode now things seem to be running smoothly and then WHAM IT’S TIME TO CRY. Past Bachelor contestants definitely had genuine stories, but the repeated conversations about second chances at love and loss of loved ones has made this one of the most moving programs I’ve ever watched and the most draining. By the end, I’m out of sympathy tears and remember—this is only an hour.
Luckily my tears don’t last long because it’s time for Gerry to awkwardly try and weave in the code phrase for the flashmob to start—it was tough to watch him direct the conversation to a semi natural “don’t stop believing” punny moment, but he does it and ABC lets loose the dancers. Teresa is confused and somewhere the cringe ABC exec who forces these corny scenes is smiling to themselves.
After closing my eyes through the flashmob (I hate it), it’s time for the group date and we’ve brought in “icon to the show”, Franco the photographer. I have a vague memory of Franco, who is making Zoolander references that Gerry definitely doesn’t get, but I have a feeling I blocked most of his cameos out because I feel like I’d remember this man if he’d earned the title of icon???
The women are asked to choose costumes from different eras and, minus Prince’s ex girlfriend being pissed she didn’t get to be a hippie, everyone seems to be having fun with it, per usual. I don’t care what sweet edit she ends up getting, I don’t trust Prince’s ex as far as I can throw her and I can’t throw far.
Nancy (I think) is in the wedding dress group photo and is super emotional because she hasn’t been in a wedding dress in years and lost her husband. Gerry, once again, makes a point to hear her story and have a beautiful moment with her and I really feel like no matter who he picks, everyone who leaves here is going to leave a little more confident about love and it’s beautiful to see.
Nancy gets the Group Date Rose and everyone is happy for her, minus SHOCKINGLY Prince’s ex who, I will admit, Gerry is definitely the most sexually attracted to. I’m still happy he didn’t give her the rose because she definitely thinks she deserves it but I’d be confident too if I spent twenty minutes whispering dirty things into each other’s hearing aids.
It seems we have time left in this short episode to squeeze in another party (it’s amazing how much time we have when we aren’t WASTING IT ON NONSENSE) and this time it’s for Ger-Bear’s b-day! It’s honestly a pretty anti-climatic affair with Faith, our First Impression Rose recipient, having a pity party because it’s been 24 hours since Gerry’s spoken to her. I will admit I forgot about her too, but Gerry is still a big fan—I think Teresa, Faith and Prince’s ex are the front runners which is super predictable but that’s the vibe I’m getting. He needs a blonde.
The one stand out moment of the day is Gerry giving Ellen, the other bride from the photoshoot, a blown up picture of their wedding pose and I have to say this is where I draw the line. SHE’S GOING TO GET IDEAS! What happens when she goes home? She’s going to want this?? Also where is she supposed to hang that if she doesn’t win? Framing is expensive so it is a nice gift, but she says it’s the nicest gift she’s ever gotten and I feel sad all over again.
We go straight from the birthday party to the Rose Ceremony and Gerry is a wreck so I’m a wreck. Once he’s done (no shocking goodbyes), worthless Jesse comes out to make sure Gerry is okay…NO JESSE. THE MAN IS SOBBING, HE IS NOT OKAY. It’s Week 2 and this man is already sobbing, he is not going to make it, JESSE.
You know things are serious when he says goodbye to Natasha and says “I love you”—and it’s not in the I’m-Ben-Higgins-and-I’m-confused way, it’s because he genuinely cares about these women and I’m getting emotional again. I’m also getting very worried for his mental sanity as this goes on, does he know he has to dump everyone but one?
Tune in next week (before then because I’m now an episode behind and need to get more on track) for more tears and hopefully no more high risk driving situations for Gerry. Better get those lawyers ready, ABC. I feel a lawsuit coming if you keep this up.