Well, just like you all, I have my eyes glued to Kate Middleton conspiracy theories. But in my case, I have a newborn at home and far too much time on my hands during my maternity leave so here we are…
I present…A Deeply Unserious Look Into the “Disappearance” of Kate Middleton.(please note that my editing of this piece is probably just as good as Kate’s)
Now, first and foremost, I hope Kate is okay. And many would argue that we should let her recover from whatever it is she’s recovering from in peace, and I agree with that…for the most part.
You see, if the Palace had stuck to their original stance of “she’s had surgery, you’ll see her when the Easter bunny comes hopping and not a minute sooner,” I’d say let’s move on. But they didn’t. They caved. TO SOCIAL MEDIA. Sure, the British people are on social media and they deserve answers, but those of us who were taking Charlotte the pregnant stingray’s birth plan just as seriously as Kate Middleton hiding in the Cotswolds? We deserve nothing. We’re just here to find a funny tweet to get us through the day.
Side note: That Stingray story is also suspicious because she was days away from labor and now it’s been over a month but…I digress. A conspiracy for another day!
The problem is (one of many problems but in my eyes the biggest) the firm doesn’t know who to listen to anymore. Lizzie would have never allowed this mess, OBVIOUSLY. If we needed anymore proof that she was the one holding that paper mache ship together, look no further than Kate Gate. But as this curfuffle unfolds, it’s clear that no one is stopping to recalibrate. No one is steering this ship. No one is saying hey let’s take a beat and not make this worse because what they are doing is making it infinitely worse. And every stupidly thought out move is being analyzed to the fullest extent.
I think Kate is okay. I think (this is one of my theories, probs the most likely other than my OTHER theory, which I will get to down below) what was a routine round of check ups for the senior royals turned into many issues—Charles has cancer, we need him to step back. Kate has an issue that requires immediate attention and rest, we need her to step back. They’re allowed to step back, despite The Firm not having an official stance on PTO that I’m aware of, and they’ve got William out and about so they should have been fine. Just say we’ve got some shit to work out and move on.
And they tried to do that, and for a while no one said anything, but again, once twitter started tweeting (I refuse to call it X, it’s just not as fun)…they caved. They caved to the BBL conspiracies, the divorce conspiracies, the filming for S3 of Traitors conspiracies (that was my theory that went a little viral—can you tell I’m proud). The Firm thought “we can’t let humor stand” and so they addressed it. Of course, this only fueled the fire. So then, they paraded this woman around—the woman they claimed needed privacy for her abdominal surgery recovery.
Fuel meet fire. Now, this is the same woman they made stand on the hospital steps three times only hours after birth so we shouldn’t be shocked they made her hop in a car and drive in circles, but I was surprised they caved? It only made matters worse. It didn’t look like Kate…the photo was grainy…was it a body double…was she swollen…
So then, after what was obviously very little planning on their part, the said “let’s post the Mother’s Day pic.” Their official Instagram account always post a Mother’s Day pic so it would have been odd if they didn’t, but what they did post….it’s safe to say the royals are in a PR nightmare. Of their own making.
People were quick to point out editing flaws. Those editing flaws quickly turned to questions about the greenery in England in March which turned into full on AI implications even though most of us still don’t understand AI which turned into “oh they’ve hodge podged this entire picture together and it’s from November 2023” (for more on why November, see this TikTok.)
To post a picture…a well framed and lit picture you claim William took which we know is impossible because men can’t take good pictures…and have that picture be completely half-assed in terms of editing…it begs the question: what the fuck is going on at the palace??? But THEN to have media outlets put out a “kill notification” mean they now doubt the credibility of the pic…
Another side note: Sorry for all the dot dot dots but a story like this…I don’t even know what to say half the time!
So now, what was a private matter that they could have just said is staying private, they’ve done such a botch job they have to find a fall guy…AND WHO DO THEY CHOOSE???
YES—KATE. They have Kate “post on social media” that she loves photography and edited the pic and oopsie, she missed a few spots! They really are telling us 1) Kate does her own editing and 2) no one is checking her work? We’re just tweaking Charlotte’s wrists and Louis’ hands willy nilly and no one is going to say anything to her before posting it??
And then the palace said “oh BTW we won’t be releasing the OG pic—thanks for asking!!!”
Because that doesn’t scream suspicious. And you might be saying “Lucy, they’d never release the unedited pic” and usually I’d agree with you…but they’ve never before made such a mess of their own mess!
What this says to me and pretty much everyone else on the Twitters is there is no original picture. That we couldn’t send Kate’s amateur editing work to a professional to fix because they’d say wtf is happening here. Whoever they had inside those palace walls editing the pic can’t come forward and say it was me so instead, it was so badly done, they said let’s put this on aspiring photographer and future Queen of England, Kate. It defies LOGIC.
They are truly running around like chickens with their heads cut off over there. And for what?? What are they avoiding? What is worse than the pile up of lies and shitty photos they’ve buried themselves under? If they’re really trying protect Kate’s privacy until she’s ready to talk about whatever this is, then MAYBE I could see that…but alas they put her in another car to drive around Windsor TODAY as if to show the people and press that The Firm didn’t kill her (let’s ignore the fact that she’s not looking at the camera at all so people are once again asking IS IT REALLY KATE). Again, this doesn’t feel like it’s doing anyone any favors. It’s not doing whatever it is they think it’s doing. They have made a bigger mess.
So my theories are as follows:
Original story of some sort of surgery stands, though it was something more serious they didn’t want to disclose just yet, but because every PR person in The Firm quit when Liz died, they botched this whole thing and don’t know how to handle their business or their mess
Charles is more sick than they’re letting on so they’re letting Kate fall on the sword over and over again to keep that story at bay while also trying to give her a little breaky break before becoming Queen
The remaining royals said “fuck it, we can’t keep this up” once Lizzie died so they’re tanking the whole thing in one glorious fashion
….William cheated and Camelot has fallen aka the only part of this family people liked, Kate, has said “I’m out” and they’re scrambling
And I hate the last theory but it is not out of left field. If it feels out of left field for you, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I’ve heard this theory for yearsssss. YEARSSSS. If it’s not true I’ll be ecstatic and if it’s true I will not be holding any sort of I-told-you-so-parade. But it has more legs than the British press would like us to admit, rumors that gain traction every-so-often only to be buried by other royal news quickly.
Regardless of what is going on, now we’ve given any theory life. There are still people out there claiming Kate is dead and this is all a cover up. And what’s maybe even worse is it’s cast doubt on the entire institution — yes, there was doubt before but now? The trust has been broken.
I’m not sure where this all goes from here, but if the last few days and PR choices have been any indiction, it’s downhill. I hope at least that somewhere Kate (who definitely doesn’t have access to her own social media) is laughing at some of the theories. Or practicing her photoshopping skills.
THANK YOU, this has brought so much fodder in many of my group chats
It's all so crazy!!! I very much enjoyed reading this and it perfectly summarizes the whole fiasco.